Ex-boyfriends.
I hesitated if I should talk about this initially, but since I'm happily married now, I don't see why I can't talk about my pasts, with a light-heart. And like I've mentioned before, I don't like to hide things and I'd rather tell everyone the truth about everything. Everyone makes mistakes and just like everyone else, I've had my wrongs and my rights.
Ok, here it goes.
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I need to tell you some facts first, so yes I was a very plump and unpopular girl in secondary school when I was in sec 1 and 2. I started gaining weight since I was 10, and I was eating ALOT everyday. Serve me right that I was fat lor. I always enjoyed eating all the fast foods with my friends after school near the market but the only difference was - they were all skinny and I'm the only fat one :(. It didn't matter to me back then, I still can buy fries before I go back home and stuff the food in my face in the bus. Now to think about it, I looked so GROSS.
I can eat a bunch of unhealthy things for lunch and still go on and buy more unhealthy food back for 'tea time'. I wasn't too over weight, and I never had to go for TAF club, but I was freaking chubby. I remembered how seniors used to throw potato chips at me when I was eating at the stand during sports day, how my friends used to laugh at me and say my uniform was too tight for me that the buttons were gonna pop. And they will have this 'ranks' to indicate who was the prettiest amongst us and I was ALWAYS at the last place. Like the ugliest of the ugliest. VERY LAME LA BUT BACK THEN WHO CARES RIGHT LOL. I also had my braces done and only removed them in Sec three.
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| I was the ugly Betty in school. |
Not to mention the ugly names that even my own family and relatives call me, - fatty etc, and how my uncle once commented and say that my figure was a damn straight one, so basically he was trying to say that I have no figure at all. So one day, I REMEMBER VIVIDLY, I was have home econs class and they were going through this topic on eating disorder. I was still in sec two and it was in Oct, nearing the end of the semester. I decided that I need to stop eating, or try eating and purging to lose weight. That day, was the start of everything. I did it everyday for three meals, eating and purging, eating and purging, until one day my aunt noticed the drastic weight change and told my mom : WA HOW COME SHE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT OUT OF A SUDDEN?
In a short span of three months during the school holidays, I've already lost 14kilos. I went back to school with a totally different look. All of my friends thought I went for plastic surgery or some weight loss program cause I looked so different. AND I WAS SO HAPPY CAN. It was a slap in the face for those people who once called me fat because, I AM FINALLY ON PAR WITH THEM. So yes that spur me on to lose more weight. I became very afraid of eating, and I would even purposely leave my money at home so that I have no money to buy food in school. Even if my parents were to prepare breakfast for me, the first thing I would do in the morning is dump the food into the dustbin. And to keep myself full, I just drink lots of water, and occasionally give in and drink bubble tea at night. But that was all. I would lie to my parents and tell them that I've had dinner in school, and I would sleep early to keep those hunger pangs off my mind. --- I became anorexic.
My lowest weight? I was about 167cm tall back then, and I was weighing at 43kilos. Practically skin and bones, until my parents started encouraging me to eat. They kinda knew that something was wrong with me, especially my sister, but I kept denying and told them that I wasn't on diet. I remember my mom bringing me to the doctor and asking the doctor why I lost so much weight but I hide all my eating habits from them.
OH AND HERE COMES MY FIRST BOYFRIEND HAHAHA.
Puppy love they say, it didn't last for more than three weeks. We even had a ring done, and I ended up returning to him after we broke up. I remember it was because I was too bored of the relationship because he was too shy, and both of us were just awkward with each other the whole time. (I didn't consider him as one of my boyfriend cause 3 weeks only?! )
And after I lost weight, I finally started having suitors. When I was in lower secondary, I tried to confess to two of my crushes but I was rejected straightaway LOL. BECAUSE I WAS FAT NO ONE LOVES ME HAHAHA. And both of them came back and talk to me after I slimmed down, HELL NO YOU THINK I WILL LIKE YOU AFTER YOU REJECT ME AT MY WORST? GO TO HELL. HAHA.
So yes I had a couple of suitors especially after I started hanging out with more seniors, and I had this HUGE crush on this guy E, but he liked someone else. I was quite shameless lah, I just kept leeching on to him like a leech even though he didn't liked me very much, and in the end he got together with me out of sympathy. But yes he broke up with me after three weeks. I was too shy, so I was reluctant to kiss him or do anything of the sort so I probably bore him out after some time.
It was my first heartbreak and I took it very hard on myself. To the extent that I did stupid things and my teacher had to send me for counseling and contact my sister. - Don't judge please I was still young and naive HAHAHAHA.
After the break up, I was just sad all the time, every single time I see him during recess or after school, I would just keep crying and wailing. Until everyone was so tired of me. LOL. I remember even after he graduated and when he comes back to school once in awhile, when I see him, I STILL CRY. - I was a crybaby, so I'm always wailing.
It was all the way like that even until sec four before I graduated, though in between I still had suitors but I was trying to get over E. YAH I KNOW RIGHT THREE WEEKS ONLY GET OVER WHAT SAI? I really don't know what I was thinking back then HAHAHAHA. Such an annoying emo kid.
I then started playing cs (actually since I was 15), CS as in Counter-Strike, so after playing for a few months in a server, I met up with quite a bunch of them, and we became really good friends. - Yes, even until now! A couple of them attended my wedding too :) Also had a couple of suitors from gaming but we all ended up being really good friends so yup!
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| This is the group that I'm still very close with even up till now! And yes, I'm always the only girl amongst them until they started bring their girlfriends along to our gatherings HAHA. |
Disclaimer: I did date quite a number of guys in between my relationships but we didn't get together.
I need to define dating first: Texting/ Going out for movies/ talking on the phone/ THE MOST HOLD HANDS.
And yes, after secondary school, I worked for a few months at Ritz Carlton, had a couple of eye candies at work, and KIND OF dated this guy J when I was working there. I knew J from gaming (DONT JUDGE PLS LOL) and we were texting and on the phone the whole time. Only met like once in person LOL? - I have no idea why I was head over heels for him. But aiya I always damn suay last time, when we were 'dating', he just broke up with his ex girlfriend not too long ago, so after some time, he started dropping hints about him wanting to get back together with his ex girlfriend because his mom still likes her, and some other bullshit.
So on the eve of Valentine's day, HE DUMPED ME. Not exactly dump since we weren't together, but he went back to the ex girlfriend. And he went like: I'm sorry, I really didn't mean it, and I really liked you before that. (In my mind I was like WHATEVER DUMP MEANS DUMP ALREADY RIGHT STILL GOT DON'T MEAN IT ONE MEH HAHA) This entire thing go on for quite awhile because in between his quarrels with the gf he will still come and talk to me, tugging the end of the strings of my heart by telling me that he missed me and he missed talking to me. And all the time? I was stupidly waiting for him to leave his girlfriend. This went on for two years, with me crying and getting all upset whenever he comes and leaves. -AND IT DIDN'T END HERE-
After that, I met my
OFFICIAL FIRST BOYFRIEND, Luke, when I was working in Golden Village. I was doing ticketing, and him and his friends frequent gv since their camp is near. He just plucked up his courage and asked me for my number and even though I said no at first, I gave in the end. And yeah we started dating.
J appeared again, this time: Single. I thought I would be the first girl that comes up to his mind after his break up, but apparently, he started dating this another girl M. And somehow when we started talking and I told him the truth about how I was waiting for him over the years, he told me that he likes M, and he likes me too. He said that "I liked you before, so I never really don't like you?" - I don't know if it makes sense to you, so yah we met up again after that when I was still dating Luke, but everything screwed up again. I decided that I was done with that shit having someone to choose between me and another girl, so I made myself forget about him, and moved on.
Yes, this is the first official boyfriend that I brought home to meet my parents, thought he was prince-charming but he ended screwing up my life and yah. I do not want to go into the details, but he wasn't who I thought he was. I was nothing but a tool to him, and I was made used of.
AH NOW U CAN SEE HOW BAD MY SKIN CONDITION WAS THAT TIME! I was still skinny before I met him but I grew fat after that when we were together. Actually, both of us started growing fat lah. I was in Poly year 1 then, and we were together till poly year 2. My eating disorder recovered for about a year when I was with him, and I started eating and throwing up again towards the end of the relationship.
When we broke up, (I broke up with him), I was devastated because he was very okay with it and he didn't do anything to salvage the relationship. By then, my heart was empty, and my bank account was very much empty too lol. He wasn't really working, and I kind of had to support the both of us with my savings and pathetic pay that I was getting from GV, so it was terrible. I broke up with him because I finally decided I don't want to go through this anymore. We were together for about a year and two months.
I had a bad relapse from the Eating Disorder right after, so I started all the starving and eating and purging, I dropped quite a few kilos, and I was very addicted to tumblr, where I seek for thinspirations, and related myself to all the girls who were also suffering from an eating disorder on Tumblr. Basically, I seek comfort from there, and it motivated me to lose even more weight. ALL THESE HAPPENED, because I wondered if he didn't want me anymore due to how I look. I told myself I was too fat, I wasn't pretty enough and I looked gross. All these thoughts consumed and haunted me for very long, and all I wanted to be was bones. These are pictures of myself that I took when I was monitoring my progress (It can all be found in my tumblr):
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| I was happy to see my ribs and collar bones protruding, and I just wanted to see more of it. It was as if my life was depended on my bones, and I wanted to be 'successful', and to be the skinniest amongst my friends. |
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| That time, I was about 170cm tall? I was at 49kg when my sister brought me to the Psychiatrist to seek treatment. |
My condition was so bad to the extent that I was hurting myself in order to remind myself not to eat. I had to relate eating with pain, so whenever I eat, I hurt myself as a form of punishment. I was ashamed of myself with what I was doing, but I believed it was necessary since I wanted to lose MORE weight.
The reason why I ended up going to a Psychiatrist was because my sister saw my cuts, brought me to the room, and my heart broke when she started crying and telling me how much it hurts her to see me in such a state. I was too obsessed with all these losing of weight that I didn't know how much it hurt those around me, knowing that I'm torturing myself to feel pretty, to feel that I was enough for somebody. I was in so much pain and agony, but I didn't know who I could talk to, and who I could approach, so all I did was confide everything in tumblr, in order to feel better.
- Sorry this post ended up with all these sad pasts, but it is a good thing that I pen down all these thoughts, as something to remind myself to never go back to how I used to be.-
Even till now, I feel ashamed of those obvious scars I had from all these cuts that I don't know what to say when people ask me about them. I'd just say oh all these are from the past, nothing much, or I was scratched by cats etc. No la, I didn't cut at obvious areas like my wrists, I did all these on my thighs so I could hide them. I can't hide them when I wear bikinis tho :( ! Which was also the reason why I didn't join some pageants when I was approached to join after the RMIT pageant.
During Poly Year 3, I got together with the Second Official boyfriend that I brought home, Andrew (A). We worked together when we were at Ritz Carlton, but we never ever spoke to each other before. We only started talking when he added me on Facebook after many many years, and we hung out together, watched movies and after realising he is quite a nice guy, we got together.
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| When we took this photo, we had already broken up, and were just friends. |
Although many things happened between us, I must say that he did support me during tough times when I was battling the Eating disorder. I lied to everyone, put on some weight, and have them believe that I recovered from it. But the fact it, I was still eating and purging the whole time.
Poly year 3 was horrible. Something silly happened between me and a clique of friends, so we fell out, and I was outcasted by the group. They started mocking me about my eating disorder, openly attacked me on twitter, and scolded me a coward when I block them out. The reason why I blocked them on twitter was because I felt like I didn't need to see what they were talking about, and I already had issues, and was already depressed enough. I almost quit school because of this, and they are also the reason why I didn't attend my graduation in Poly. But these are already in the past, and I don't think much about it anymore. Two of the girls actually came to apologise to me for what they have done in the past, and I was appreciative of that.
Of course, I still find those that purposely avoided me when they bumped into me at SIM funny. I said hi to a group of poly friends when I saw them in SIM, only two of the girls avoided my glance. My first thought was 'Why? Ashamed of what you did?', but doesn't matter! Being the person with a bigger heart, I decided to let it go because afterall, they are just a nobody. No point feeling affected or getting upset of two person that didn't matter.
Karma will do its job for me :)
That aside, the relationship was very fulfilling at first, until things started to get mundane and awful.
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| We were fighting all the time. |
Like every other couple, we got used to being around each other, so he stopped putting in effort for little surprises or for our anniversary, and we didn't even do anything during Valentine's day :( Then there was this time when he was still in Army, I got in contact with a secondary school senior Z, so we started texting, and (A) was aware of that. The first time I met Z for supper, I did notify (A), only to find out that he blew his top in camp. And I didn't understood why cause I was being honest with him, and I didn't hide from him. Subsequently, every time I met Z, went clubbing with him and his friends, or hang out with him and his friends, I stopped telling (A) because it didn't matter right? He will still get upset anyway.
Initially after hanging out very often with Z, I thought I had something for him (which was wrong I know, considering that I am still together with (A)), but I guess it turns out to be an infatuation. To solve things, I came clean with (A) about this, and yes he got very upset even though nothing happened between me and Z. So I decided to clear things up with Z, we stopped contacting each other, and we haven't really been friends since. After that, (A) became insecure, and was always doubtful about me.
Things were okay for awhile, but we broke up after that, when he doubted me again, regarding another friend I met (N).
After some time, I think I got together with N out of anger, in order to spite Andrew, but broke up shortly after (IKR AGAIN). Me and (A) got back together after that for a few months. I know I was judged by people around during that period of time, and I don't blame the others because I was pretty messed up myself. I thought all along that I was the only one making the mistake, UNTIL. UNTIL I heard something from a good friend recently, just a couple of months back. - I don't wish to rake up the past because this thing involves one of my still-in-contact friend, but yes he wasn't entirely a saint I thought he was, and he was not honest the whole time either.
After getting back together, we both realized that the relationship wasn't going to work out anymore. We tried, but things between us were already different, so we broke up in the end, on good terms. He wasn't very supportive of pageant that time, and he was upset whenever I hang out too often with my pageant friends. Even though I asked him along sometimes, he would just portray a very disinterested self so yeah, I didn't like that too. For the best of both of us, I'm glad we broke up. (It was during pageant when we broke up.)
BUT! Of course, I won't deny the things that he did for me, and how he supported me when I was struggling with recovery, and also helping me with my 21st birthday even though we were not together anymore. That was also the last time I saw him I think?
-That's how things ended there.-
My life was full of ups and downs during the pageant, and Sebas and a few others were the only one that was aware of the whole story the whole time, and has been there for me when I needed company.
THEN, here come the next drama mama.
Please excuse my horrible editing of this image because I'm not good with Photoshop, and had to use paint to cover his face. The only people that knew about this are those who are very close to me during the pageant period, and I have to keep his identity anonymous cause I don't want to have anything to do with him ANYMORE. I didn't want to talk about this initially too, but this was the biggest mistake I've made in my life, and if I hid about his, I wouldn't feel good.
Okay - Let's call him R.
One thing people will judge me for sure, he was attached when I met him. (Which is why I say this is the biggest mistake I've made, and yes I do regret. HORRIBLY.) After we met, we started texting pretty often, hanging out in school for lunch, and occasionally bumping into each other in school too. I thought things started to become serious when we met for a movie, went clubbing together- and got home very drunk. I was still semi-conscious so nothing happened. Just that I had a horrible time throwing up and even woke up from my sleep to throw up. After that he asked me out a couple of times, we meet for dinner, and more dates, we acted like we were already together. The only difference from a real couple is, he was very secretive of me, and of how we behaved in public. I had to understand because he's attached, and I know things are gonna stay this way for a very long time.
It was so heartbreaking to see him and his girlfriend's pictures on facebook, travel together, meet each other families, and all I could do was wail in silence. Why? Because I let myself walked through this, I chose this path.
There was once I went over to his place to stay because his family wasn't home, and I didn't feel good because his girlfriend's belonging was everywhere, even her pictures. I could feel her presence there, and I was feeling very very very awful and guilty. He did tell me a few times that he didn't think that she's the one anymore
(but that doesn't change the fact that he is still attached), and that he didn't know how things will end up to be like, but he gave me hope when he said that there is still a possibility that me and him can be together. That kept me hanging on to him, and I felt like I could trust this man for his words.
A part of me felt like he was just trying to get into my pants, and I was right. After staying with him for 1 night and denying him of what he wanted, he became a very different person. The next day, he went missing in action the entire day. My belongings were still with him, and I was supposed to stay his place for another night, so I couldn't go anywhere. I can still remember that I was outside the whole day with my friend shopping, even went for a movie after that. It was almost 11pm but he was still missing in action, and I didn't know where to go.
Lost and heartbroken over how he treated me after denying him, and not knowing where I can go before he replies or return my texts, I went to Zouk, alone. (I look damn pathetic I was wearing a very ugly dress and wearing slippers LOL) Luckily I bumped into my friend over there, joined him and his friends, drank ALOT, and spent the whole time dancing at the dance floor until R finally reappeared on whatsapp at about 3am. He told me he's home and that I can go over if I WANT to. On that night, I made this friend, J, and he dropped me off at R's place before going home. When I reached back to R's place, he was already half asleep, and we didn't talk at all. I didn't ask him why he MIA-ed the entire day the day before, we just went our separate ways since he had to go to work.
After that day, I told myself to stop talking to him, and to avoid him, now that I know he wasn't really that into me, or at least for the right reasons. R didn't really like me, he was just toying with my feelings. I still bump into him in school, but I no longer regard his existence, even though he did try and text me to ask me what's wrong and all.
TO THINK I EVEN WROTE THIS ON MY PRIVATE BLOG:
" I want this to go on forever, until the day you decided you do not want
me in your life anymore. Just so you know, I’m willing to take the risk
for you, no matter how the outcome may be, or if I’ll end up with a
broken heart. All I know is, I want you to be in my life now."
ULTIMATE FACEPALM-
Who else other than me can be SO STUPID, to believe something a guy says during the short span of 2 months, and to fall for all these willingly? - me lor.
SO? I have no one else to blame, other than myself. SUCK IT UP.
Right after this incident with R, I was so heartbroken that I started numbing myself by partying and drinking, and was at Zouk almost every weekend and every other Wednesday. Debbie was my wing woman all the time, and I met guys here and there, texted, dated for fun, but nothing serious. I'm sorry if I broke some hearts during that period and that I really didn't mean it. I just wanted to stop feeling empty, and wanted to be in control of my feelings, wanted to know that I have the ability to PLAY. As in to fool around and not fall in love.
Hahaha, but!!! ALL OF THESE was worth it. If I never met R, if he never break my heart, I would not have partied (does this word even exist?) so often and met...
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| LOVE. |
Most importantly, I am where I should be now, together with my best friend, my soul mate, my husband. Not forgetting that we are also looking forward to the arrival of our beloved baby boy in two months, and this beats everything I went through in the past.
YES, with that, I'm ending this post, and I just want hubby to know,
I'm thankful I found you, and I love you very very much, and with all my heart. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for loving me.
NOW COME BACK FROM TAIWAN ALREADY :(!!
