This post sat amongst my drafts for awhile, took me awhile to decide if I should post it. But since it was already written, why not? But it isn't complete and I don't intend to complete because I ran out of things to say, or rather everything was just repetitive. These days it feels as if darkness drew me back in again, and I just wasn't happy anymore. I can't find a reason to. :( The worse part is I can't even comprehend all these sadness sigh. I probably should stop being so negative towards my next few posts and find something positive to write about.
Ok, I will just leave this uncompleted post here:
Was all the sacrifices I made and everything I gave up worth it?
Ok, I will just leave this uncompleted post here:
Was all the sacrifices I made and everything I gave up worth it?
I had dreams I wanted to chase, things I wanted to do and promises I wanted to fulfill. I was only 21 year old but had such heavy responsibilities upon my shoulders. There are times I felt lost, when I'm not sure of what I needed to do. I was a young woman with a bright future ahead of me but my life changed when I met this man. I was so blinded with love, so blinded with passion that I gave everything to this man that I just met. I entrusted my lifetime of happiness, my health and my youth to him. I was ready to give up what I had for the labour of our love- my son.
I didn't mind if I had a lavish wedding or not, didn't mind if I wore a beautiful gown, didn't mind the sarcastic and judgmental comments regarding my pregnancy. At that point of time, I fought for the survival of my son, all I wanted to do was to bring him to this world, safe and sound. I was told that I would not be a good mother, I would be too young to be a good wife, and that I wasn't ready to build a family of my own. Many people wanted to take my son away from me, trying to convince me that I wasn't ready for such a heavy responsibility. I stood up against everyone, insisted that I wanted to keep my child, and was happy that I had a supportive partner. I was excited for this huge change in my life, and nothing else mattered to me other than my little bean that was still growing in my womb. I was happy, I thought my life was completed. I thought....
But things changed. People changes. I was pretty much on my own during the entire pregnancy, I was my only emotional and physical support. Many times, my own mother and my sister accompanied to my monthly check ups and at times, I entered the room on my own. I suffered from prenatal depression and my moodswings were unpredictable. I hated how pregnancy changed my body, my complexion and my confidence. I went through 7 and a half months of pregnancy with stares from people everywhere I go. I see ladies gossiping as they looked at me but I ignored. I believe I could be a fantastic mother even though I was young.
I wanted to work till my tummy started showing, but who were the ones that were really concerned about me and my baby? - my own mother and my sister. Nobody told me that I should rest until this one fine day when I almost fell in my heels while working. Who cared for me and my son's safety when I worked? - my 7 close sisters.
Countless times, I was left crying on my own, I walked alone and wondered where all my promised happiness went? It felt like I was treading on a thin line everyday and that anything I say or how I behave would trigger a fight. I was afraid to be around him. He was like a time bomb. I used to be an unreasonable little girl and wanted everything my way. This resulted in people and that included my father telling me that I should change and that I shouldn't behave like a little girl anymore now that I' a mother. All the shame and blame was on me. I was told that I needed make up to be pretty and that I should respect my partner by dolling myself up. Did they know how pregnancy changed me? No they don't..I was told to be understanding because I didn't have to work and that my partner was tired, and so I should just suffer in silence. Because things are meant to be like that for a married couple. A woman should never show any resentment.
