In my previous post, I mentioned about the difficulties and challenges I encountered being Kaylen's mother but little did I know that it was only the beginning. With the arrival of a baby, everything at home changes and conflicts/ disagreements regarding the upbringing of baby started arising. I was living in stress the moment Kaylen came home from the hospital. (I probably did mention a little during my previous entry but that was really just a small part of it.)
Disclaimer: I'm not here to complain about my in laws or my parents because they are very nice people. I'm just here to share about the problems that I encountered with people recently in general and honestly? I just needed to get some things off my chest. Don't be sensitive and think that I am referring to any of you in particular unless you are guilty of it?
To me, being a mother wasn't too much of a difficulty, living with someone else's family is. Being a woman, we are destined to follow our husband after getting married, and to many elders, it is a must to stay with the husband's family. Not that my husband's family was difficult to live with, but it was more of the feeling that I can't be myself, and that I get judged with everything that I do. Basically, I had to behave like a role-model daughter-in-law that has no mind of my own. Of course, if I were to ignore all formalities and respect for my new parents/husband, I could have had a mind of my own and speak up for myself. BUT I CHOSE NOT TO because I respect my husband. Because I choose to be polite and embrace what my parents taught me - to be filial. I lost count of the number of times I cried, hoping to be at the comfort of my own house where I can say what I want to and still behave like a baby in my mother's arms.
I admit I was leading a good life at my husband's. Because of the maid, I never had to do laundry, dishes or clean the house. I never had to do a single housework at home. But you know what? I realized I was much happier at my mother's even though I had to wash my own dishes, make my bed, pack my room and cook my own dinner. I miss living with my family so much so that I really regretted getting married this early sometimes. (I still love my husband, it was just about the matter of moving into someone else's home.) I WAS HOMESICK.
And then after an unforgettable incident one day, I decided that no matter what I did and how I behave, it doesn't matter. I will never be able to please everyone, and from then onwards, I gave up. I started distancing myself away, fearing to face the truth and buried myself with work and studies- and that really took a toll on the amount of time I spent with Kaylen. I thought to myself that as long as I reduce the interaction time with my new family, lesser tension would occur, and things will be easier for me and my husband. In that way, I wouldn't put anyone in a difficult spot, and that my in laws would have as much time as they want with Kaylen. Whenever I could finally have time with my son and try to spend as much time taking care of him as possible, which means showering, feeding and soothing him to sleep, I would be seen as 'unwilling to let anyone carry him'. But the truth is, I just wanted to do my job as a mother, even if it was just for a day. Many at times, I just didn't know what else I could still do to make people around me happy. Everything I did and everything I suggested was seen as a form of disrespect and there really isn't much that I could say or do. Everything felt so diplomatic at home that rarely felt light-hearted. And for the fact that I respect my husband, I chose to swallow everything and never once showed any signs of unhappiness and disrespect to anyone. This I believe my husband will be able to vouch for me.
The most painful thing I went through was when I was trying to explain my stand politely and ended up being shoved away and asked to kept quiet. I wept to my husband that day and leaving the family actually came across my mind. (Writing about this now actually brought tears to my eyes..) Ever since that happened, I found myself distancing further away from them and understood how difficult it can be to try and be a part of someone elses' family. I took a huge effort to try and love and embrace my new family, but it didn't work out. I finally understood the woes of many wives and mothers.
That was also when I realized, it is time for me and my husband to get a place of our own. We definitely need to be away from the folks, be it my parents or his. We needed a mind of our own, and we did not want any unhappiness at home to come inbetween our marriage. We have quarreled too many times because of our each families and we needed to do what is healthy for the both of us. (Even if it may make both parents unhappy.) I read this article, which I could totally relate to because I've encountered the same issues and I too, ended up in tears:
Leaving your parents and Balancing the Act.
Click on the link above and take some time to read it, because it will definitely benefit you if not now, in future.
And now.. My next problem:
As a young mother, I understand that many elders would worry that we are too inexperienced to take care of babies but I seriously DETEST this stereotype about young mothers. We may be young but that doesn't mean that we did not take the effort to learn about caring for our babies. I read like almost 100 articles about babies when I was still pregnant with Kaylen! I even had almost two months of training in the hospital bathing, changing and carrying him.
A few things I believe all mothers (Not only young mothers) can relate to my experience regarding our own child:
1. DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT EVER take a crying baby away from his/her mother.
In my opinion, this is the most disrespectful and offensive gesture you can do to a mother. And I absolutely detest detest this!! It is like telling the mother "Please let me handle the child, you have no idea what you are doing and I think I can soothe the baby better than you do." Who else other than the mother can best soothe a crying child? No matter who does this, my reaction will be the same.
There is nothing more that would irritate the hell out of me than this!!
As for Kaylen, he will whine and cry alot when he is tired but whenever I wrap him or babywear him, he would immediately stop and fall into slumber. This is why I always lock myself in the room when he does that because I hate it when somebody tries to carry him when I'm about to wear him. (AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FAMILY AND MY HUSBAND). A mother will do what she needs to and don't need anyone to take over or ANY of the sort.
This is just a normal mother instinct to be protective of her child and since it is normal for even animals to be protective of their offsprings, what more human beings right?
2. Return the baby as soon as the mother asks, regardless of the situation.
This human being that pulled my son away from me when I tried to carry him from her before I went to work. >:( Just because my hands felt a little chilled after washing hands.
HELLO THAT LITTLE HUMAN BEING CAME OUT FROM MY VAGINA WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO STOP ME FROM CARRYING HIM YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!!
(Please excuse my use of words and my audacity because this is something that I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate!!)
3. Do not attempt to feed my baby any food unless permission is granted.
Please ah, some food that you attempt to feed may be hazardous to babies and might even kill them. Unless you want to accidentally murder a baby, don't ever try and do that. Just because you have seen some other mothers do it or your own mother do it, does not mean it is okay to feed my son. I have personally nagged at my mom a couple of times when she kept asking me to feed my son water before he turned 6 months old! And just because you have fed that to your own child in the past, doesn't mean that it is okay to feed my son.
4. If you intend to bring the baby out of our sight, at least inform!
Our son means the world to us and we would really really appreciate if you inform us when you have the intentions of carrying him elsewhere. And not leave us wondering where our baby went. Basic courtesy and respect to just inform. Would you be happy if I brought your child somewhere without telling you? I mean it is not as if I don't allow or that you need to ask permission for it. I DON'T NEED THAT. I just need you to inform us! And if me or my husband gave a valid reason for you to not do that, at least respect us by listening and doing the opposite?
5. Baby Wearing
I have encountered MANY times when super nosey aunties come and correct me about babywearing and tell me what I am doing is wrong. I've read about babywearing and have researched about the right and wrong ways of carrying babies. Do you think I would seriously listen to your old wives' tales instead of the professionals' opinions?
This is usually how I baby wear him and this is supposed to be of optimal comfort and support for his spine. And yet I have aunties coming to tell me that it is not good for babies to have their legs wide apart or that I should front face my baby. You have no idea what you will do to his spine development if you carry him facing front! So if you don't have an actual knowledge regarding babywearing, then don't correct me.
The worst above all? Someone I personally know coming to tell me that Kaylen looks very uncomfortable wrapped. OH PLEASE! Whoever has seen me wrapping kaylen before knows that he loves to be wrapped to sleep and can even sleep for up to 3 hours in my arms. HOW THE F IS THAT UNCOMFORTABLE. Uncomfortable he will fall asleep meh? Somemore when he woke up and whine, she told me "Oh must be sleep inside too long already not comfortable, faster take him out." NOPE U DO NOT EVEN HAVE KIDS YOURSELF SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
I've had friends who told me to babywear my son so nobody will try and come and take him away when I put him to sleep. But nope, didn't work. People can see me take a huge amount of effort to wrap him comfortably and still asked to carry him just right after I'm done wrapping.
And that leads to my next point:
6. If you are not even a mother or father yourself, don't question my parenting skills.
Seriously? I don't think I even need to waste my time on elaborating this. JUST DON'T. Or don't blame me for being nasty.
I think the points I listed above had been something I wanted to tell everyone that I know and I'm so glad I finally did. Some of you may think that I overreacted but seriously, you will understand when you are married and have your own child.
That aside, I regretted going back to studying and working this early.
My dearest darling Kaylen, if you ever come across this, just know that I have intentions to stay home for another 6 months to take care of you. If it wasn't for the circumstances I was in, I could have spent much more time with you at home. I think I have somehow mentioned this on my previous post, but never really elaborated much on it. Because Kaylen was born prematurely, I wanted to ensure that I could be there for him during his early years at least to watch him grow and breastfeed him for as long as I could. I don't deny that school and work is important, but to me, nothing is more important than the development of my child. Do you know what is most important to mothers? Seeing her child hit their developmental milestones and be there to witness every milestones they achieve. But nobody understood how I felt. I was pressed to go back to school so that I can find a full-time job as soon as possible to help out my husband financially.
I don't understand where was the rush and why I had to be rushed to go back to school when all I wanted to was to spend more time taking care of him. Before I even finished my 3 months of 'maternity leave', I went back to work. I was so mad and so angry and people who rushed me into school and work that I made sure I worked every single day and made sure I kept their mouth shut by earning my own money. And what did I sacrifice? - the time I have with Kaylen. I have never once felt happy being away from Kaylen. Everytime I had to go to school, go to work, I miss my son and miss his presence. I feel guilty being a shitty mother because I couldn't stand for what I wanted for the better of him and succumbed to people around me. I understand that there was help at home, and that he is in safe hands. But all children need their mothers no? Correct me if I'm wrong. Every single day I live in stress and unhappiness thinking why I had to be away from him when I could have stayed by his side. I was afraid of fighting for what I wanted and that proves how worthless I am as a mother.
For the past one month, due to school assignments and busy work schedule, I wasn't home until 10pm every night and the only time I saw Kaylen was before I went to school. (He sleeps with my mother in law so it wasn't convenient for me to see him at night.) And it was also because of the incident that I mentioned earlier in this post that I avoided spending time at home whenever my husband wasn't around. It was like I have a home to go back to but I was afraid of going back so I chose not to. All these took a toll on me mentally and physically. I was exhausted. I needed a break and desperately wanted to travel on my own, just somewhere with peace and serenity, and put aside this married life for awhile.
I was wrong to think that marriage is just about two people. I was ENTIRELY wrong. Marriage is about everyone except for the both of us. It was about compromising our happiness in order to satisfy the two families. Ever since we got married, nothing was about us anymore. Which is why I knew, the only way that marriage can work out is to live independently on our own, and build a house of our own.
But above all, I told my husband this: 'It doesn't matter how much I have to go through or how much grievances I have to swallow as long as you treat me well and love me right. At the end of the day if I could seek comfort and support from you, nothing else matters anymore.' He is well aware of the problems we have, and he is still trying to fix it but, we are still trying. I can only look forward to the day that we step foot into our own house.
And for those judgmental people out there who thinks my life is easy because I didn't have to sleep with my son, let me tell you (Again):
If I had a choice, I would want to be a stay home mother and take good care of him- but I can't. How am I supposed to sleep with him at night when I needed to go to school the next morning and goes to work after that? I wouldn't be able to focus in class and I would probably ended up failing more modules and stay in school for another semester. I have no idea how working mothers do it, to be able to take care of their child at night and then wake up at 7 in the morning to go to work and home at 5pm.
Because of my school and work schedule, I had to leave Kaylen at home and thus needing help from people at home to take care of him. There was once I vividly remembered that I was told that I treated someone as a helper, and this confused me because I was the one that wanted to stay home and take care of him, but was told to go back to school. What do all of you want me to do? What is it that I can do to finally make all of you happy? Why is it that I had to take shit for everything that happens at home when I was not even involved in the first place? I wept that night, hoping that I could feel the warmth of my own family, and never have I felt like going home so badly! I had to try and forget about the feeling of being shoved away and asked to kept quiet but I could not. Till today, I can remember everything that happened, and I am still unable to put behind that incident.
People who are close to me would have known that I suffered from depression when I was younger and if I didn't stay strong for Kaylen, I would have easily fallen back into depression but I did not. So stop associating my crying with depression because I only cry because I feel sad. EVERY human being cry!! I can't tell you how much it upsets me whenever someone try to relate my past to how I am feeling now. I am a changed person and I am no longer the little girl who wants everything to go her way. If I was still who I am, I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut every single time I was accused of something I did not do. And I changed myself for only one reason- Because I love my husband and I love my beloved son.
Sadly, human works this way. When you give in once, they take advantage of your kindness and do the same things to you again and again, thinking you won't fight back. - But my patience is wearing thin and I'm not sure how silent I would be the next time any shit lands on my head again.
It was only when I moved out of own house that I realized how important my family is to me and how happy I was living with my parents. I regretted not knowing that until today..The warmth that you receive from your own family is irreplaceable and you will never be able to feel that from someone elses' family. That is what I've learnt over the period of almost a year.
I wish someone could understand my feelings of loneliness and grieve but no one other than myself could. Not even the one closest to my heart.
Since I was unable to please everyone no matter what I do, I've decided from that day forth that I will never put in my 100% again because even my 100% isn't enough. Not enough as a daughter, a wife and a mother. In other words, I failed at all my roles.
On a lighter note....(Sorry for being so long-winded and sorry that I wrote this entry with a heavy heart.)
I've managed to convince my mum to quit her job to take care of Kaylen for me.
Some of my friends would have known that my in laws' maid got sent home because of her pregnancy, and honestly I felt lost initially when I got the news from my husband. I didn't know what was going to happen to Kaylen because the maid was the main caregiver of Kaylen when I wasn't around. She was one of the nicest maid I've encountered and I know I can trust her with him because I've secretly observed how she took care of him.
While waiting for the new maid to arrive, since my in laws had important jobs to attend to, I had to ask my mum to sacrifice her job and take three weeks of no-pay leave to help me with Kaylen. Even so, I was worrying because I will never be able to trust a new maid with Kaylen no matter how much experiences she may have with babies. How can I trust someone who just join the family and furthermore has zero attachment with Kaylen? Kaylen isn't an easy baby and he can be a terror sometimes. I doubt no one will have the patience like our families have for him. Feeding him can be a chore because he is fussy when he drinks milk and most of the time, my mum or my mil would think that it is because he didn't like the particular brand of milk. The truth is, he will only finish his milk whenever he is super hungry so I always made sure he was hungry before I fed him.
And over this period of two weeks, I've heard horror stories about maids ill-treating babies and children so I told my husband that I will never be able to set my mind at ease if I were to leave Kaylen with the new maid. Thus, my mum decided to make the sacrifice to quit her job and take care of her grandson for me.
That's all my updates for now, and I hope I have happier things to talk about next time!
Oh wait, let me include some recent photos of Kaylen :) :
That is me giving him a shower lol.
Disclaimer: I'm not here to complain about my in laws or my parents because they are very nice people. I'm just here to share about the problems that I encountered with people recently in general and honestly? I just needed to get some things off my chest. Don't be sensitive and think that I am referring to any of you in particular unless you are guilty of it?
To me, being a mother wasn't too much of a difficulty, living with someone else's family is. Being a woman, we are destined to follow our husband after getting married, and to many elders, it is a must to stay with the husband's family. Not that my husband's family was difficult to live with, but it was more of the feeling that I can't be myself, and that I get judged with everything that I do. Basically, I had to behave like a role-model daughter-in-law that has no mind of my own. Of course, if I were to ignore all formalities and respect for my new parents/husband, I could have had a mind of my own and speak up for myself. BUT I CHOSE NOT TO because I respect my husband. Because I choose to be polite and embrace what my parents taught me - to be filial. I lost count of the number of times I cried, hoping to be at the comfort of my own house where I can say what I want to and still behave like a baby in my mother's arms.
I admit I was leading a good life at my husband's. Because of the maid, I never had to do laundry, dishes or clean the house. I never had to do a single housework at home. But you know what? I realized I was much happier at my mother's even though I had to wash my own dishes, make my bed, pack my room and cook my own dinner. I miss living with my family so much so that I really regretted getting married this early sometimes. (I still love my husband, it was just about the matter of moving into someone else's home.) I WAS HOMESICK.
And then after an unforgettable incident one day, I decided that no matter what I did and how I behave, it doesn't matter. I will never be able to please everyone, and from then onwards, I gave up. I started distancing myself away, fearing to face the truth and buried myself with work and studies- and that really took a toll on the amount of time I spent with Kaylen. I thought to myself that as long as I reduce the interaction time with my new family, lesser tension would occur, and things will be easier for me and my husband. In that way, I wouldn't put anyone in a difficult spot, and that my in laws would have as much time as they want with Kaylen. Whenever I could finally have time with my son and try to spend as much time taking care of him as possible, which means showering, feeding and soothing him to sleep, I would be seen as 'unwilling to let anyone carry him'. But the truth is, I just wanted to do my job as a mother, even if it was just for a day. Many at times, I just didn't know what else I could still do to make people around me happy. Everything I did and everything I suggested was seen as a form of disrespect and there really isn't much that I could say or do. Everything felt so diplomatic at home that rarely felt light-hearted. And for the fact that I respect my husband, I chose to swallow everything and never once showed any signs of unhappiness and disrespect to anyone. This I believe my husband will be able to vouch for me.
The most painful thing I went through was when I was trying to explain my stand politely and ended up being shoved away and asked to kept quiet. I wept to my husband that day and leaving the family actually came across my mind. (Writing about this now actually brought tears to my eyes..) Ever since that happened, I found myself distancing further away from them and understood how difficult it can be to try and be a part of someone elses' family. I took a huge effort to try and love and embrace my new family, but it didn't work out. I finally understood the woes of many wives and mothers.
That was also when I realized, it is time for me and my husband to get a place of our own. We definitely need to be away from the folks, be it my parents or his. We needed a mind of our own, and we did not want any unhappiness at home to come inbetween our marriage. We have quarreled too many times because of our each families and we needed to do what is healthy for the both of us. (Even if it may make both parents unhappy.) I read this article, which I could totally relate to because I've encountered the same issues and I too, ended up in tears:
Leaving your parents and Balancing the Act.
Click on the link above and take some time to read it, because it will definitely benefit you if not now, in future.
And now.. My next problem:
As a young mother, I understand that many elders would worry that we are too inexperienced to take care of babies but I seriously DETEST this stereotype about young mothers. We may be young but that doesn't mean that we did not take the effort to learn about caring for our babies. I read like almost 100 articles about babies when I was still pregnant with Kaylen! I even had almost two months of training in the hospital bathing, changing and carrying him.
A few things I believe all mothers (Not only young mothers) can relate to my experience regarding our own child:
1. DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT EVER take a crying baby away from his/her mother.
In my opinion, this is the most disrespectful and offensive gesture you can do to a mother. And I absolutely detest detest this!! It is like telling the mother "Please let me handle the child, you have no idea what you are doing and I think I can soothe the baby better than you do." Who else other than the mother can best soothe a crying child? No matter who does this, my reaction will be the same.
There is nothing more that would irritate the hell out of me than this!!
As for Kaylen, he will whine and cry alot when he is tired but whenever I wrap him or babywear him, he would immediately stop and fall into slumber. This is why I always lock myself in the room when he does that because I hate it when somebody tries to carry him when I'm about to wear him. (AND THAT INCLUDES MY OWN FAMILY AND MY HUSBAND). A mother will do what she needs to and don't need anyone to take over or ANY of the sort.
This is just a normal mother instinct to be protective of her child and since it is normal for even animals to be protective of their offsprings, what more human beings right?
2. Return the baby as soon as the mother asks, regardless of the situation.
This human being that pulled my son away from me when I tried to carry him from her before I went to work. >:( Just because my hands felt a little chilled after washing hands.
HELLO THAT LITTLE HUMAN BEING CAME OUT FROM MY VAGINA WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO STOP ME FROM CARRYING HIM YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!!
(Please excuse my use of words and my audacity because this is something that I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate!!)
3. Do not attempt to feed my baby any food unless permission is granted.
Please ah, some food that you attempt to feed may be hazardous to babies and might even kill them. Unless you want to accidentally murder a baby, don't ever try and do that. Just because you have seen some other mothers do it or your own mother do it, does not mean it is okay to feed my son. I have personally nagged at my mom a couple of times when she kept asking me to feed my son water before he turned 6 months old! And just because you have fed that to your own child in the past, doesn't mean that it is okay to feed my son.
4. If you intend to bring the baby out of our sight, at least inform!
Our son means the world to us and we would really really appreciate if you inform us when you have the intentions of carrying him elsewhere. And not leave us wondering where our baby went. Basic courtesy and respect to just inform. Would you be happy if I brought your child somewhere without telling you? I mean it is not as if I don't allow or that you need to ask permission for it. I DON'T NEED THAT. I just need you to inform us! And if me or my husband gave a valid reason for you to not do that, at least respect us by listening and doing the opposite?
5. Baby Wearing
I have encountered MANY times when super nosey aunties come and correct me about babywearing and tell me what I am doing is wrong. I've read about babywearing and have researched about the right and wrong ways of carrying babies. Do you think I would seriously listen to your old wives' tales instead of the professionals' opinions?
This is usually how I baby wear him and this is supposed to be of optimal comfort and support for his spine. And yet I have aunties coming to tell me that it is not good for babies to have their legs wide apart or that I should front face my baby. You have no idea what you will do to his spine development if you carry him facing front! So if you don't have an actual knowledge regarding babywearing, then don't correct me.
The worst above all? Someone I personally know coming to tell me that Kaylen looks very uncomfortable wrapped. OH PLEASE! Whoever has seen me wrapping kaylen before knows that he loves to be wrapped to sleep and can even sleep for up to 3 hours in my arms. HOW THE F IS THAT UNCOMFORTABLE. Uncomfortable he will fall asleep meh? Somemore when he woke up and whine, she told me "Oh must be sleep inside too long already not comfortable, faster take him out." NOPE U DO NOT EVEN HAVE KIDS YOURSELF SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
I've had friends who told me to babywear my son so nobody will try and come and take him away when I put him to sleep. But nope, didn't work. People can see me take a huge amount of effort to wrap him comfortably and still asked to carry him just right after I'm done wrapping.
And that leads to my next point:
6. If you are not even a mother or father yourself, don't question my parenting skills.
Seriously? I don't think I even need to waste my time on elaborating this. JUST DON'T. Or don't blame me for being nasty.
I think the points I listed above had been something I wanted to tell everyone that I know and I'm so glad I finally did. Some of you may think that I overreacted but seriously, you will understand when you are married and have your own child.
That aside, I regretted going back to studying and working this early.
My dearest darling Kaylen, if you ever come across this, just know that I have intentions to stay home for another 6 months to take care of you. If it wasn't for the circumstances I was in, I could have spent much more time with you at home. I think I have somehow mentioned this on my previous post, but never really elaborated much on it. Because Kaylen was born prematurely, I wanted to ensure that I could be there for him during his early years at least to watch him grow and breastfeed him for as long as I could. I don't deny that school and work is important, but to me, nothing is more important than the development of my child. Do you know what is most important to mothers? Seeing her child hit their developmental milestones and be there to witness every milestones they achieve. But nobody understood how I felt. I was pressed to go back to school so that I can find a full-time job as soon as possible to help out my husband financially.
I don't understand where was the rush and why I had to be rushed to go back to school when all I wanted to was to spend more time taking care of him. Before I even finished my 3 months of 'maternity leave', I went back to work. I was so mad and so angry and people who rushed me into school and work that I made sure I worked every single day and made sure I kept their mouth shut by earning my own money. And what did I sacrifice? - the time I have with Kaylen. I have never once felt happy being away from Kaylen. Everytime I had to go to school, go to work, I miss my son and miss his presence. I feel guilty being a shitty mother because I couldn't stand for what I wanted for the better of him and succumbed to people around me. I understand that there was help at home, and that he is in safe hands. But all children need their mothers no? Correct me if I'm wrong. Every single day I live in stress and unhappiness thinking why I had to be away from him when I could have stayed by his side. I was afraid of fighting for what I wanted and that proves how worthless I am as a mother.
For the past one month, due to school assignments and busy work schedule, I wasn't home until 10pm every night and the only time I saw Kaylen was before I went to school. (He sleeps with my mother in law so it wasn't convenient for me to see him at night.) And it was also because of the incident that I mentioned earlier in this post that I avoided spending time at home whenever my husband wasn't around. It was like I have a home to go back to but I was afraid of going back so I chose not to. All these took a toll on me mentally and physically. I was exhausted. I needed a break and desperately wanted to travel on my own, just somewhere with peace and serenity, and put aside this married life for awhile.
I was wrong to think that marriage is just about two people. I was ENTIRELY wrong. Marriage is about everyone except for the both of us. It was about compromising our happiness in order to satisfy the two families. Ever since we got married, nothing was about us anymore. Which is why I knew, the only way that marriage can work out is to live independently on our own, and build a house of our own.
But above all, I told my husband this: 'It doesn't matter how much I have to go through or how much grievances I have to swallow as long as you treat me well and love me right. At the end of the day if I could seek comfort and support from you, nothing else matters anymore.' He is well aware of the problems we have, and he is still trying to fix it but, we are still trying. I can only look forward to the day that we step foot into our own house.
And for those judgmental people out there who thinks my life is easy because I didn't have to sleep with my son, let me tell you (Again):
If I had a choice, I would want to be a stay home mother and take good care of him- but I can't. How am I supposed to sleep with him at night when I needed to go to school the next morning and goes to work after that? I wouldn't be able to focus in class and I would probably ended up failing more modules and stay in school for another semester. I have no idea how working mothers do it, to be able to take care of their child at night and then wake up at 7 in the morning to go to work and home at 5pm.
Because of my school and work schedule, I had to leave Kaylen at home and thus needing help from people at home to take care of him. There was once I vividly remembered that I was told that I treated someone as a helper, and this confused me because I was the one that wanted to stay home and take care of him, but was told to go back to school. What do all of you want me to do? What is it that I can do to finally make all of you happy? Why is it that I had to take shit for everything that happens at home when I was not even involved in the first place? I wept that night, hoping that I could feel the warmth of my own family, and never have I felt like going home so badly! I had to try and forget about the feeling of being shoved away and asked to kept quiet but I could not. Till today, I can remember everything that happened, and I am still unable to put behind that incident.
People who are close to me would have known that I suffered from depression when I was younger and if I didn't stay strong for Kaylen, I would have easily fallen back into depression but I did not. So stop associating my crying with depression because I only cry because I feel sad. EVERY human being cry!! I can't tell you how much it upsets me whenever someone try to relate my past to how I am feeling now. I am a changed person and I am no longer the little girl who wants everything to go her way. If I was still who I am, I wouldn't have kept my mouth shut every single time I was accused of something I did not do. And I changed myself for only one reason- Because I love my husband and I love my beloved son.
Sadly, human works this way. When you give in once, they take advantage of your kindness and do the same things to you again and again, thinking you won't fight back. - But my patience is wearing thin and I'm not sure how silent I would be the next time any shit lands on my head again.
It was only when I moved out of own house that I realized how important my family is to me and how happy I was living with my parents. I regretted not knowing that until today..The warmth that you receive from your own family is irreplaceable and you will never be able to feel that from someone elses' family. That is what I've learnt over the period of almost a year.
I wish someone could understand my feelings of loneliness and grieve but no one other than myself could. Not even the one closest to my heart.
Since I was unable to please everyone no matter what I do, I've decided from that day forth that I will never put in my 100% again because even my 100% isn't enough. Not enough as a daughter, a wife and a mother. In other words, I failed at all my roles.
On a lighter note....(Sorry for being so long-winded and sorry that I wrote this entry with a heavy heart.)
I've managed to convince my mum to quit her job to take care of Kaylen for me.
Some of my friends would have known that my in laws' maid got sent home because of her pregnancy, and honestly I felt lost initially when I got the news from my husband. I didn't know what was going to happen to Kaylen because the maid was the main caregiver of Kaylen when I wasn't around. She was one of the nicest maid I've encountered and I know I can trust her with him because I've secretly observed how she took care of him.
While waiting for the new maid to arrive, since my in laws had important jobs to attend to, I had to ask my mum to sacrifice her job and take three weeks of no-pay leave to help me with Kaylen. Even so, I was worrying because I will never be able to trust a new maid with Kaylen no matter how much experiences she may have with babies. How can I trust someone who just join the family and furthermore has zero attachment with Kaylen? Kaylen isn't an easy baby and he can be a terror sometimes. I doubt no one will have the patience like our families have for him. Feeding him can be a chore because he is fussy when he drinks milk and most of the time, my mum or my mil would think that it is because he didn't like the particular brand of milk. The truth is, he will only finish his milk whenever he is super hungry so I always made sure he was hungry before I fed him.
And over this period of two weeks, I've heard horror stories about maids ill-treating babies and children so I told my husband that I will never be able to set my mind at ease if I were to leave Kaylen with the new maid. Thus, my mum decided to make the sacrifice to quit her job and take care of her grandson for me.
That's all my updates for now, and I hope I have happier things to talk about next time!
Oh wait, let me include some recent photos of Kaylen :) :
That is me giving him a shower lol.
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| At the end of the day, I know your smile is all that matters to me. |
