I know I have been away from writing for FAR too long, but I really do have my reasons! So I am so so sorry to those who has been waiting for me to post something.
So what has happened the past few months right after Kaylen's birth?
Everyday has been pretty mundane since I was travelling to and fro from the hospital, handing milk to the nurses, spending precious time with Kaylen at the hospital talking to him, holding him, playing nursery rhymes to him and singing to him. Basically I was doing whatever I can, and spending as much time as I can with him, just to make sure that he knows I am his mother. The NICU journey is definitely not an easy one, especially the first few weeks when his condition fluctuates. My mood depends on how his condition is everyday, and my heart always skipped a beat when the doctors call from SGH. (They usually call when something major happens.)
So there was this one time when the doctor called to tell me that Kaylen's breathing got worse and then they had to shift him back to NICU from the HD ward. On our way to the hospital, I was already in tears and praying that he will be safe and sound, and that nothing will happen to him. I broke down when I saw him at the hospital that day, and was sobbing away until the nurses had to come over and console me. Seeing the doctors/nurses put needles in him was like having a knife repeatedly stabbed in my heart. It pains me so much to see my little one suffering at such a young age.
And then for the next 56 days from the day he was born, I visited the hospital everyday, and stayed for at least 4 hours per day, and sometimes I even go up to 8 or 9 hours. This is why I couldn't find the time to blog. Even though baby was in the hospital, I was waking up in the middle of the night, every 2-3 hours pumping, making sure that my supply will sustain till he comes home.
The worse part about the initial breastfeeding was not the pumping every three hours, it was the breast infection I suffered from, and I suffered TWICE. Running a high temperature of 41 degrees for three straight days, and I still had to wake up every three hour to pump in order to resolve the issue. I couldn't clear the engorgement, which then lead to this infection - Mastitis. The first time I suffered from it, my right breast supply went down to as pathetic as 20ml. My left wasn't affected so it was still functioning properly. I went down to a normal GP, got some medicine and antibiotics that was safe for breastfeeding. BUT SUAY ENOUGH, the doctor told me that the only antibiotics that they have that is safe for breastfeeding, contains Amoxicillin, which I was allergic to. I had no choice, but to try taking the medicine, and ended up suffering from weird ulcers in my mouth and rashes around my lips which caused it to crack and bleed.
After I recovered from the first time and it attacked again the second time, it was so bad I had to visit a gynae and be on drip because the infection was too bad. :( I remember waking up in the middle of the night having super painful and bruised breasts, and pumping when all I wanted to do was to sleep and feel better from the fever. Conclusion? BREASTFEEDING ISN'T EASY AT ALL. I am an exclusive pumping mother, though I try to latch Kaylen at least once a day. He doesn't like to latch now because he was too used to the bottle feeding and tube feeding in the hospital. So basically latching him was like fighting a war with him, he screams hysterically whenever I put my tits near his mouth lol.
After 2 weeks in NICU, Kaylen's condition finally became more stable, and here comes my first opportunity to carry him!!!
No words will be able to describe the immense joy I felt when I first held him in my arms. Yes I do not enjoy the privilege of having to hold my baby as soon as I gave birth because he was placed into the incubator as soon as he was born. During the 2 weeks I could only place my hands into the incubator to touch him and feel his skin.
And then here come all the firsts, first family photo:
First time changing his diapers:
And my first time doing Kangaroo Care with him when he was much much better!
And then feeding him...
All these little firsts may be very familiar to all mothers since they were able to do it since day 1, but to many preemies' mothers, all these opportunities are very precious to us. Because during the entire NICU journey, the only thing that made us felt like we were a mother, was pumping milk for our little one, since we can't take care of them like how other mummies do.
And as day passes, Kaylen started putting on weight, doctors remove his IV plugs, I was finally able to bathe him in the hospital. It was definitely scary the first time, bathing for such a tiny baby, but all these practices made me a confident mother in taking care of a preemie. When I first bathed him, I remembered he was only about 2kg! Snapping his photos became my favourite past time too, until my phone was flooded with only his pictures and videos. (Same goes to my husband, parents' and sister's phone!!)
Kaylen started to open his eyes more, smile more, as me and Joey try to capture all these little moments on camera.
Everyday time passes like that with me going hospital, pumping and pumping and pumping, waiting for hubby to fetch me home from hospital, waiting for the day that he can be discharged, and FINALLY ONE DAY, I decided to speak up. I told the nurses that he is in the hospital for way too long, and that I really really hope to take him home with me. After that night, there was a tremendous improve in his feeding, and was able to finish all his feeds within 48 hours! So just two days after I spoke to the doctor, they decided to DISCHARGEEEEEE HIM!!! I was so so so so happy that I can finally have him home even though it also means that I get lesser rest and sleep.
Kaylen was discharged at 2.99kg, and has stayed in the hospital for about 1 and a half months! I had alot of mixed feelings about him coming home, happy that I can finally have my son by my side, but worried that I'm not ready to take care of him, afraid that I wouldn't be able to soothe him when he cries. So initially at home, everyone was fighting to take care of him at night, but now lolol!! Most of the time I will take care for as long as I can at night, until I get too drowsy, then I will pass him to my maid. (Who is super awesome and handles Kaylen very well! Always my lifesaver when I desperately needed sleep.)
Now he is officially 3 months and 6 days old, weighing at 4.5kg! Which is a whooping 3kg gain from his initial birth weight.
He behaves really differently from how he was like when he was still in the hospital. In the hospital, every single time after milk, the nurses just needed to swaddle him, leave him in his bassinet and he will fall asleep on his own. BUT, as soon as he comes home, his pattern all come out already. Must be carried to sleep, must pat to sleep and must sometimes play music while patting him to sleep! As soon as he realise that he is placed back in his cot, he will immediately wake up and cry. -_-
For about half a month after he came back, what I did everyday was taking care of him, taking him out and meeting my mummy friends whenever we have the time to. We were like leading taitai lives lah, but not really taitais after all cause we take care of the baby 24/7, which is the toughest job ever okay!! Every single time I bring him out, I don't eat in peace, or sometimes I don't even get to eat at all because you lose all your appetite when he starts crying. So me and my friends help each other lor, sometimes babysit when we needed to eat hahaha.
This 'taitai' life was made possible because I receive monthly allowance from my hubby, which he slowly realise that it is probably not enough for me. After a long dispute and discussion, I decided to get back to work. And now comes the next problem:
MY BREASTFEEDING HOW?
I mentioned earlier that I needed to pump every 3 hours initially, but now that my supply has more or less regulated, I don't get engorged as often as before, so I could stretch up to 5 hours without pumping or sometimes 7 hours. People who are not breastfeeding would sometimes ask me why I needed to pump and why I couldn't just leave my boobs there. Let me tell you why! Firstly, breastfeeding mothers' breast are constantly producing milk, and imagine having accumulated 300 ml of milk in your breast, how heavy and how uncomfortable would it feel? If we don't pump out, where does this milk goes? And don't forget that the breast is still constantly producing milk, and there is just so much that your breast can hold.
Engorged breasts are not pleasant to feel and not pleasant to look at. Do you know how breastfeeding has made my breasts look? Yes it went from a cup A to cup D, but my left breast now has MANY purple veins that looks like spider webs, looks bruised, and I'm suffering from stretch marks because of the sudden increase in size. :( So nope, I would definitely prefer smaller breasts. That is not the worst part, the worst part is how my left breast is now sagging because I couldn't wear bra for the entire 3 months! So nope, the breasts are not as lovely as yall thought!
Now that I have gotten back to work, I will always have to notify the clients or my boss that I needs to pump at least once every six hours, so I pump once before work, and once during my break at work. There was once I didn't have enough time to clear all the milk during the fifteen minutes break, and I suffered from engorgement fever. :(
I spend at least 4-5 days a week now at work, which is why I try to spend more time with Kaylen when I can at home, and I seldom have the time to do anything else. School is starting in January and I will be even busier than usual, so I'm still thinking how I can cope and juggle with studies, baby and work at the same time. But I really don't wanna give up on working too because I know that no matter what, a woman has to have her own money, and cannot depend 100% on man. I myself believe that a woman has no say at home if I don't provide enough for myself. I don't want to be seen as a lazy stay home mum, so I rather get lesser rest, and juggle between work and baby now.
But sigh, nobody really understands the amount of sacrifice I have to make when I leave baby at home, and no one will really comprehend the feelings that I get unless they are a mother as well. Who would bear to leave their son at home when they are just three months old? When we know that they still need their mother to be around because they are only so young, and the bond is build before they turn 6 months old. Every single time I leave home for work, I always kiss Kaylen and tell him that I will see him again after work, and makes sure I always tell him that he must never forget that I'm his mummy.
Yes, I do understand that my in laws always tell me that they will help me with the baby, and ask me to go and work and study in peace. The thing is, Kaylen is my responsibility and I don't want to throw him to someone else when I know I can actually afford staying home for a few months more just to spend time with him. But like I said, no one will understand how a mother feels, and how I want to maintain this bond with the baby, so I have no choice but to continue my studies in January, and try to work as much as I can now.
Oh well, I have already started on working and enrolled myself for studies to commence in January, so it is pointless to talk about all that, but to try and spend as much time as I can with Kaylen while completing my degree and doing part-time.
Apart from all these upsetting, we finally celebrated Kaylen's first month in November! Which was a belated full month celebration since he was in the hospital when he was one month old.
He is getting cuter and more adorable by day, and gaining more fats on his cheeks and thighs hehe.
FOR NOW, all these are the updates about my life that I can think of, I will probably blog about my weight loss when I have the time?
BUT FIRST OF ALL, SCREW THE PERSON WHO THINK I STARVED MYSELF SO THAT I COULD LOSE THE WEIGHT.
I DID NOT.
So what has happened the past few months right after Kaylen's birth?
Everyday has been pretty mundane since I was travelling to and fro from the hospital, handing milk to the nurses, spending precious time with Kaylen at the hospital talking to him, holding him, playing nursery rhymes to him and singing to him. Basically I was doing whatever I can, and spending as much time as I can with him, just to make sure that he knows I am his mother. The NICU journey is definitely not an easy one, especially the first few weeks when his condition fluctuates. My mood depends on how his condition is everyday, and my heart always skipped a beat when the doctors call from SGH. (They usually call when something major happens.)
So there was this one time when the doctor called to tell me that Kaylen's breathing got worse and then they had to shift him back to NICU from the HD ward. On our way to the hospital, I was already in tears and praying that he will be safe and sound, and that nothing will happen to him. I broke down when I saw him at the hospital that day, and was sobbing away until the nurses had to come over and console me. Seeing the doctors/nurses put needles in him was like having a knife repeatedly stabbed in my heart. It pains me so much to see my little one suffering at such a young age.
 |
| This was what I posted back then. |
The worse part about the initial breastfeeding was not the pumping every three hours, it was the breast infection I suffered from, and I suffered TWICE. Running a high temperature of 41 degrees for three straight days, and I still had to wake up every three hour to pump in order to resolve the issue. I couldn't clear the engorgement, which then lead to this infection - Mastitis. The first time I suffered from it, my right breast supply went down to as pathetic as 20ml. My left wasn't affected so it was still functioning properly. I went down to a normal GP, got some medicine and antibiotics that was safe for breastfeeding. BUT SUAY ENOUGH, the doctor told me that the only antibiotics that they have that is safe for breastfeeding, contains Amoxicillin, which I was allergic to. I had no choice, but to try taking the medicine, and ended up suffering from weird ulcers in my mouth and rashes around my lips which caused it to crack and bleed.
After I recovered from the first time and it attacked again the second time, it was so bad I had to visit a gynae and be on drip because the infection was too bad. :( I remember waking up in the middle of the night having super painful and bruised breasts, and pumping when all I wanted to do was to sleep and feel better from the fever. Conclusion? BREASTFEEDING ISN'T EASY AT ALL. I am an exclusive pumping mother, though I try to latch Kaylen at least once a day. He doesn't like to latch now because he was too used to the bottle feeding and tube feeding in the hospital. So basically latching him was like fighting a war with him, he screams hysterically whenever I put my tits near his mouth lol.
After 2 weeks in NICU, Kaylen's condition finally became more stable, and here comes my first opportunity to carry him!!!
 |
| He was so fragile, so tiny. |
 |
| This was all we can do before we finally got to carry him. |
And then here come all the firsts, first family photo:
First time changing his diapers:
And my first time doing Kangaroo Care with him when he was much much better!
All these little firsts may be very familiar to all mothers since they were able to do it since day 1, but to many preemies' mothers, all these opportunities are very precious to us. Because during the entire NICU journey, the only thing that made us felt like we were a mother, was pumping milk for our little one, since we can't take care of them like how other mummies do.
And as day passes, Kaylen started putting on weight, doctors remove his IV plugs, I was finally able to bathe him in the hospital. It was definitely scary the first time, bathing for such a tiny baby, but all these practices made me a confident mother in taking care of a preemie. When I first bathed him, I remembered he was only about 2kg! Snapping his photos became my favourite past time too, until my phone was flooded with only his pictures and videos. (Same goes to my husband, parents' and sister's phone!!)
Kaylen started to open his eyes more, smile more, as me and Joey try to capture all these little moments on camera.
Everyday time passes like that with me going hospital, pumping and pumping and pumping, waiting for hubby to fetch me home from hospital, waiting for the day that he can be discharged, and FINALLY ONE DAY, I decided to speak up. I told the nurses that he is in the hospital for way too long, and that I really really hope to take him home with me. After that night, there was a tremendous improve in his feeding, and was able to finish all his feeds within 48 hours! So just two days after I spoke to the doctor, they decided to DISCHARGEEEEEE HIM!!! I was so so so so happy that I can finally have him home even though it also means that I get lesser rest and sleep.
Kaylen was discharged at 2.99kg, and has stayed in the hospital for about 1 and a half months! I had alot of mixed feelings about him coming home, happy that I can finally have my son by my side, but worried that I'm not ready to take care of him, afraid that I wouldn't be able to soothe him when he cries. So initially at home, everyone was fighting to take care of him at night, but now lolol!! Most of the time I will take care for as long as I can at night, until I get too drowsy, then I will pass him to my maid. (Who is super awesome and handles Kaylen very well! Always my lifesaver when I desperately needed sleep.)
Now he is officially 3 months and 6 days old, weighing at 4.5kg! Which is a whooping 3kg gain from his initial birth weight.
He behaves really differently from how he was like when he was still in the hospital. In the hospital, every single time after milk, the nurses just needed to swaddle him, leave him in his bassinet and he will fall asleep on his own. BUT, as soon as he comes home, his pattern all come out already. Must be carried to sleep, must pat to sleep and must sometimes play music while patting him to sleep! As soon as he realise that he is placed back in his cot, he will immediately wake up and cry. -_-
For about half a month after he came back, what I did everyday was taking care of him, taking him out and meeting my mummy friends whenever we have the time to. We were like leading taitai lives lah, but not really taitais after all cause we take care of the baby 24/7, which is the toughest job ever okay!! Every single time I bring him out, I don't eat in peace, or sometimes I don't even get to eat at all because you lose all your appetite when he starts crying. So me and my friends help each other lor, sometimes babysit when we needed to eat hahaha.
This 'taitai' life was made possible because I receive monthly allowance from my hubby, which he slowly realise that it is probably not enough for me. After a long dispute and discussion, I decided to get back to work. And now comes the next problem:
MY BREASTFEEDING HOW?
I mentioned earlier that I needed to pump every 3 hours initially, but now that my supply has more or less regulated, I don't get engorged as often as before, so I could stretch up to 5 hours without pumping or sometimes 7 hours. People who are not breastfeeding would sometimes ask me why I needed to pump and why I couldn't just leave my boobs there. Let me tell you why! Firstly, breastfeeding mothers' breast are constantly producing milk, and imagine having accumulated 300 ml of milk in your breast, how heavy and how uncomfortable would it feel? If we don't pump out, where does this milk goes? And don't forget that the breast is still constantly producing milk, and there is just so much that your breast can hold.
Engorged breasts are not pleasant to feel and not pleasant to look at. Do you know how breastfeeding has made my breasts look? Yes it went from a cup A to cup D, but my left breast now has MANY purple veins that looks like spider webs, looks bruised, and I'm suffering from stretch marks because of the sudden increase in size. :( So nope, I would definitely prefer smaller breasts. That is not the worst part, the worst part is how my left breast is now sagging because I couldn't wear bra for the entire 3 months! So nope, the breasts are not as lovely as yall thought!
Now that I have gotten back to work, I will always have to notify the clients or my boss that I needs to pump at least once every six hours, so I pump once before work, and once during my break at work. There was once I didn't have enough time to clear all the milk during the fifteen minutes break, and I suffered from engorgement fever. :(
I spend at least 4-5 days a week now at work, which is why I try to spend more time with Kaylen when I can at home, and I seldom have the time to do anything else. School is starting in January and I will be even busier than usual, so I'm still thinking how I can cope and juggle with studies, baby and work at the same time. But I really don't wanna give up on working too because I know that no matter what, a woman has to have her own money, and cannot depend 100% on man. I myself believe that a woman has no say at home if I don't provide enough for myself. I don't want to be seen as a lazy stay home mum, so I rather get lesser rest, and juggle between work and baby now.
But sigh, nobody really understands the amount of sacrifice I have to make when I leave baby at home, and no one will really comprehend the feelings that I get unless they are a mother as well. Who would bear to leave their son at home when they are just three months old? When we know that they still need their mother to be around because they are only so young, and the bond is build before they turn 6 months old. Every single time I leave home for work, I always kiss Kaylen and tell him that I will see him again after work, and makes sure I always tell him that he must never forget that I'm his mummy.
Yes, I do understand that my in laws always tell me that they will help me with the baby, and ask me to go and work and study in peace. The thing is, Kaylen is my responsibility and I don't want to throw him to someone else when I know I can actually afford staying home for a few months more just to spend time with him. But like I said, no one will understand how a mother feels, and how I want to maintain this bond with the baby, so I have no choice but to continue my studies in January, and try to work as much as I can now.
Oh well, I have already started on working and enrolled myself for studies to commence in January, so it is pointless to talk about all that, but to try and spend as much time as I can with Kaylen while completing my degree and doing part-time.
Apart from all these upsetting, we finally celebrated Kaylen's first month in November! Which was a belated full month celebration since he was in the hospital when he was one month old.
 |
| My second family! |
He is getting cuter and more adorable by day, and gaining more fats on his cheeks and thighs hehe.
FOR NOW, all these are the updates about my life that I can think of, I will probably blog about my weight loss when I have the time?
BUT FIRST OF ALL, SCREW THE PERSON WHO THINK I STARVED MYSELF SO THAT I COULD LOSE THE WEIGHT.
I DID NOT.
